PREVIEW: The Struggle Within: The Wind’s Divine Melody (Vol. 2) (Condensed Version)

The Struggle Within: The Wind's Divine Melody (Vol. 2) (Condensed Version) PREVIEW book cover

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Note from the Author

This is not the full-length version of Volume 2. This is a PREVIEW of the CONDENSED VERSION only. The condensed version is much shorter than the full-length version, and the preview is just the first part of the condensed version. I give this preview away for free. ALSO, as a writing exercise, I wrote this preview in third person, but it is indeed about my life. Other than writing in third person and changing the names of the characters within, this story is a work of NON-FICTION.

Please note that there are deeper meanings within this story, and I don’t explain those. Not yet, anyway. For instance, if you are working as an “undercover officer,” you are likely going to receive accusations from people who don’t understand that that’s what you’re doing. This was the case when I got pulled over by the police. Just know that while you may learn my story, there’s a lot more for you to realize. That will be available in the full story. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this preview.


“Children have very tender and delicate hearts and minds. If possible, try to give them happiness and peace.”
~ Mother Meera


The Struggle Within: The Wind’s Divine Melody (Vol. 2) (Condensed Version) PREVIEW

He could already feel something special about to happen. He sensed it in the way he felt and the way his now 7-year-old daughter responded well to how he was treating her. It was easy to show her so much love and respect, Jacob thought, when she is so adorable and clearly worthy of it. Not that it wasn’t agitating at times. It required a lot of investment, which often didn’t seem to pay off. It was almost as if there were two manifestations of Abigail — one adorable, divine, and sweet; one unreal.

Her behaviour could be stressful, particularly when she deliberately tried to bother him or do things she knew she shouldn’t. But he was successfully gaining control over his bursts of anger. Previously, however, he sometimes slipped. Naturally, since he knew how innocent she was and how much she was in need of loving respect, he felt terrible when he did. It turned out, though, that he just needed something to help him be more vigilant. Something to keep his mind from absorbing anger towards her. So, he kept one of her hair elastics in his hand, continually reminding himself of its presence by playing with it and wrapping it around his fingers. It kept him vigilant and prevented him from stepping in an anger-puddle that would soak his conscience with shame. And it was working.

A few days went by before he again had his daughter, Abigail, at his place. The date was March 3, 2012. Things were going well, except he noticed she was having psychological problems again. She was being deliberately naughty and defiant. She would be nasty to him as if she felt there was something wrong with him. He noticed the behaviours that night and thought maybe it would be best if he let Erin, Abigail’s mother, know every time he saw this behaviour. He tried to describe it to her. He hoped that by working together, they could resolve this problem. So, he sent Erin an email this morning trying to describe the behaviour, as well as his intentions. True to form, she didn’t reply. She never replied when he emailed her about their daughter’s behaviour. Ever.

After that email, though, he had a major experience that awakened him to what was clearly causing her issues. Immediately after this experience, he got his daughter to draw several pictures while he related everything to Tammy, a friend of his he talked to through Facebook, while it was still fresh in his mind.

With newfound vigour and hope, he said to Tammy, “I’ve been noticing some serious behaviour problems yet again with Abigail, and it really does not make any sense to me. It really does not match up to how I’m raising her and how I’ve been raising her. Something else is causing this. I don’t really understand what it could be, but something else is causing it. It involves strange behaviour—the same behaviour problem that I have been dealing with for a very long time now.”

After he told Tammy about the email he sent to Erin, he went on to describe the experience he had afterward. Abigail’s answers weren’t making sense about what she had done last week and where she went. He said to Tammy, “I can tell something’s not quite right by the way she acts and answers my questions. Well, maybe she just doesn’t remember, or is not really paying attention.” Typical seven-year-old behavior, though not everything was typical. Sometimes she deliberately fell and either accused him of causing her to fall or claimed she needed help getting up when that clearly wasn’t the case. When he hugged her, she would hang off him, her hands around his shoulders and neck, stressing to him that he couldn’t just get a natural, normal hug from his otherwise sweet daughter. But, now, it was her answers to simple questions that indicated what might be wrong. When he asked her, “Did you go to Daddy’s house any day last week?” Abigail said, “No.”

She remembered that quite clearly. “Did you go to Nan’s house any day last week?” Again, “No.”

She remembered that, too, and appeared to be paying attention to his questions and her surroundings.

“Were you at Mommy’s house every day last week?”

“I think so.”

Well, that didn’t make sense. Either she was or she wasn’t, but when Jacob pressed her, she acted strangely. Similar to behaviours he’d been noticing for years now. He wondered why she looked at him like that. Like there was something wrong with him. Like, ‘How is that even related to everything we’re talking about?’ Abigail got mad at her father and couldn’t — or wouldn’t — answer his questions right.

Eventually, after helping her understand that her answers weren’t making sense, she told her father, “I went there with Mommy.”

“Went where with Mommy?”

She hemmed and hawed but eventually realized there was no way out of this conversation. “Pat’s house.”

That’s when things started to piece together for him. “Pat” was Patricia, though he clarified that with her. “Patricia? You mean Patricia’s house, right?”

And Abigail said, “Yes. Her name’s Patricia, but Mommy and me and everybody else call her Pat.”

Jacob only knew Pat in passing, and only then because Erin once told him Pat was Patricia, and because sometimes he saw them talking on Facebook. Patricia Stewart. That was her full name. Justin’s mom. Justin—the man Erin had been seeing. The man who served time in prison for tying up and robbing an elderly couple. It seemed Erin was trying to keep their relationship secret, and while that made sense to Jacob (after all, who brags about dating a felon?), he already knew about it. Facebook was good at giving up secrets. But he thought Erin already knew that he knew…

He continued telling Tammy the rest of the story. “So, I’m thinking, why would she have a problem telling me? Maybe it’s because she thinks me and Mommy might be kinda ‘together’ in some way. I don’t know. So, I explained to Abigail, ‘You know me and Mommy aren’t married, right?’ She seemed sad but nodded yes. ‘And you know we’re never going to get married, right?’ She said yes, but then she said, ‘Mommy’s going to marry somebody else.’ Although this was news to me, I guess Abigail had already been filled in on that somehow.”

Jacob masked his surprise, however, and continued to talk with his daughter casually, although what he was really doing was clarifying things with her and probing for additional information. He made sure Pat was really Justin’s mom, then asked, “Did you think that would bother me that you went there?”

Abigail had a hard time shaking her head no, but she did it anyway.

Jacob, meanwhile, was still trying to figure out what was truly going on. Did any of this relate to his daughter’s abnormal behaviour throughout the years? Thank God he remained vigilant enough to see the subtle looks in Abigail’s eyes—at least enough to know when she was lying to him. This gave him a pretty good idea what she was thinking about.

“Did Mommy tell you not to tell me that you went there?” Again, Abigail shook her head no, but she was still having trouble. He watched her very closely, trying to look for those same subtle clues.

That’s when he realized it had something to do with Mommy. No, something to do with Mommy and him. There was something weird or strange or upsetting about him.

Jacob asked her several times, “Did Mommy tell you not to tell me?”

Although Abigail refused to answer, he picked up numerous signs in her eyes that she was not telling him the truth. He saw the deception in her eyes. She was definitely blocking something. It was evident in her body language that she didn’t want to talk about this, so Jacob sort of narrated it for her. “You are in a very uncomfortable position.”

Abigail unexpectedly warmed up to that idea. She wanted her father to take control of this situation. To help her find the right words. So, he pressed on.

“This is not your responsibility. You have done nothing wrong. You’re not in trouble. I’m not going to get mad at you. Mommy shouldn’t tell you to lie to me — that’s not your job.”

Abigail started crying, and her tears gave her a voice. “I didn’t tell you she told me to lie!”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. Mommy did something wrong by telling you not to tell me things. So, you don’t have to feel bad when something goes wrong, because it isn’t your responsibility — it’s Mommy’s responsibility.”

Jacob paused his story for a moment to address Tammy directly. “All of a sudden, I can see her really, really, really getting that. She started to come together mentally. I saw it in her eyes. She was looking at me like she loved me with that happy normal loving look I should be getting. She was just really warming up to the idea that I presented her.”

Abigail’s verbal and facial cues told Jacob his daughter was being forced by her mother to keep secrets from him about something involving her relationship with Justin, but he wasn’t sure why. He realized this was either the reason — or at least the main reason — for Abigail’s behaviour problems. Justin was probably in a halfway house by now and sometimes got weekend passes.

He was very happy to see this positive response from his daughter, although displeased with Erin. But what could he do to bring this mistreatment to a complete end when it would likely require bringing Erin to some kind of justice? He decided not to say anything to Erin about it for the time being. Not that that was necessarily the best decision, but if he told her about it, she would likely manipulate Abigail even further. She’d come up with a deceptive way to hide what she had been doing, meaning the problem likely wouldn’t be brought to an end. Abigail didn’t explicitly admit she was being asked to keep secrets by her mother.

Leaving it in limbo and unsure what to do, the next evening, Jacob had a major spiritual experience from his Master. His Master performed a powerful spiritual reconstruction on him as he lay down to go to sleep.

At the beginning of the reconstruction, the Master gave him an intense look, communicating that he was about to descend into a lower world within Jacob. This was very serious. It felt like a powerful freight train speeding down within him. It was then Jacob had a vision of hell. He saw what it looked and felt like.

He later said to Tammy: “The walls… they’re very thick. Like, at the entrances to rooms you can see how thick the walls are. It’s not pretty, meaning there’s no prettiness — no flowers or daisies or anything like that. There’s some sort of punishment that takes place there. I don’t know if that’s the right word but very close. There’s severe punishment that takes places within those rooms. It’s dungeon-like. And there’s a kind of hue. Very little color. Dark, greenish-yellowish, steamy. Not good. I hope I’m not scaring you. Please, don’t be. So, that’s it. There’re no sharp edges on the walls. Such as on the walls at your house. Usually the walls in people’s homes have sharp corners, but there were no sharp edges like that. There’s virtually no variation either from like room to room. The entrances, like the architecture or whatever. It has no aesthetic appeal whatsoever.”

After his quick vision of hell, his Master repaired several severe spiritual “cavities” within Jacob, using his great spiritual power like a massive drill. These “fixes” took place throughout various areas of his body—his face, groin, feet, knees… As the Master “drilled” each area, Jacob gained impressions of forgotten memories buried deep in his consciousness. Each one was a quick reminder of disturbing moments of his life, including troubled times when he drank or did drugs, and most painfully when he expressed deep anger towards his Master. In the middle of the reconstruction, Jacob spiritually caught a glimpse of his Master’s face. Though it was drenched in sweat, the spiritual construction left Jacob feeling blessed. After it was over, his Guru spiritually revealed to him that this day was the anniversary of the date he was accepted as a disciple eighteen years ago.

The next day was March 5th. Jacob proceeded to tell Tammy and how he now had complete control over his anger towards Abigail deliberately misbehaving and being nasty to him.

He later tried to telling his mother by email in a roundabout way that he wasn’t comfortable with Erin relying on his parents to look after Abigail for March break. He wanted his mother to tell Erin that she needed a back-up solution, but his mother wasn’t listening to him. Neither was Erin.

His mother often tried to provide help that was often not needed or wanted or inappropriate, and this was another example. Truthfully, he didn’t want this help from his mother because he felt there was too much toxicity at their house, and he wasn’t able to take enough time off work to remove Abigail from their house if they began exploding with upset emotions. This had happened so many times in the past that he was sure it would happen again.

Throughout Abigail’s life, Jacob had never been able to address these concerns to his parents. He was apprehensive about their reaction, particularly when he depended on them financially. They had reacted several times in the past with hurtful hostility. His mother would become akin to a demon, stomping her feet and slamming doors. His father became a different sort of demon, his explosive anger toward Jacob fueled by disparaging beliefs and misapprehensions about him. He fully intended to cause emotional and even physical pain.

But Jacob was now filled with a new spirit as a result of the major spiritual reconstruction the night before. The next day when he awoke, he felt and saw the words, “Day 1.” His Master spiritually communicated it to him in a divine and encouraging way, which helped him feel good. Were things going to be a lot more exciting from now on? He wasn’t sure, but later, he found the nerve to email his mother and express how he truly felt regarding his concerns for Abigail. This made him feel like a new man. It was then that he realized “Day 1” meant that this was the first day of the rest of his life.

But his parents weren’t privy to his spiritual improvements. His father reacted with his usual anger, accusing Jacob, through email, of having an attitude and making accusations against his mother. Jacob wasn’t affected, however. His new, improved consciousness kept him calm and told him to be pleased, knowing that he had caught his parents exposing how they’d unconsciously worked together all his life to prevent him from sticking up for himself no matter how frequent the mistreatment or how bad the abuse. His mother would get offended and deny any wrongdoing, while his father would explode, claiming his mother was “just trying to help.”

It would all go in his book.

Over the next several days, the Master performed various spiritual improvements on Jacob, often getting rid of massive hostile forces. Obviously, Jacob’s bad, vengeful behaviour in the past had caused all this darkness to build up inside him.

These divine fixes, repairs, and improvements left him filled with the Holy Spirit, and he couldn’t help but notice that this was the Divine Embrace he needed for so long now. He regained his moral compass. It seemed more than enough to help him give up crack permanently. In fact, you could say it was an intervention. The most effective intervention he could imagine. It was the beginning of the new age of his life, one that was bringing appreciative looks from pretty females. His spiritual life had significantly improved with a strengthened moral fabric — although his perspective of this new Jacob was filtered through his ego.

Unfortunately, Erin’s moral compass remained withered. One day, closer to the end of March, she unexpectedly (from Jacob’s perspective) took their daughter during his court-ordered time. She picked Abigail up from school and took her to a park without informing Jacob beforehand. Erin then deceptively declared in emails to him — after he inquired about this — that she did this because he supposedly forgot to pick up Abigail sometimes. He knew this was a lie, and that she was only saying these things with the expectation that these emails would be seen by a judge someday. She stuck to the truth as much as possible to hide her deception, but it was clear that to someone who didn’t know the finer truths, her reasoning would appear legitimate.

But Jacob didn’t know why she was being deceptive. He called the police, if for nothing other than to file a report. Jacob wasn’t sure what the police could do other than that. And when the police officer visited his place, she told Jacob there wasn’t anything she could do unless the child was in danger. Could his daughter be in danger, the officer wanted to know. Jacob told her he wasn’t sure because he didn’t want to lie. But now he wondered the same thing. Was Erin’s deception dangerous? Unfortunately, he couldn’t communicate well to the officer due to his social anxiety.

Although the police weren’t helpful, this incident fully convinced Jacob that he had to fight for custody. Ideally, he would move to New York with Abigail, near where Sri Chinmoy used to live. Near where many of his disciples still lived.

Unfortunately, the police officer who was dispatched to his place subsequently visited Erin and believed Erin’s story over his, as he later found out after acquiring her report from the station. When this officer visited his place, his eyes were red from watering after a recent meditation. But she thought this meant he was on some kind of drug. In addition, his social anxiety blocked his true nature while he tried to explain things to her. As a result, her report accused him of appearing confused. She stated that he had delayed responses to her questions, implying he was on drugs. Jacob couldn’t help but think that this police officer’s conclusions had something to do with discrimination against him because he was a man.

Although the world around him remained dark and deluded, he knew something special was happening with him. He had just gone through all those spiritual improvements and felt filled with the Holy Spirit, although he didn’t specify it in such words. Could it be that he would be “special” like this for the rest of his life? Jacob presumed he would. He certainly felt blessed, believing his Master had transformed him into some kind of spiritually gifted saint with advanced psychic gifts.

By this time, he noticed that his intuitive thoughts were enhanced in a remarkable way. One of the inner messages he received from his Master was that some kind of sickness would be started deliberately between now and mid-June, and he began to warn Tammy of it, fearing for her safety. He didn’t know what was going on because the messages weren’t very clear, but he decided to warn her just in case.

As all this was going on, other aspects of Jacob’s life were improving. He certainly felt like he could meet a woman a lot more easily now with his improved looks and “mojo” thanks to those spiritual improvements. Or perhaps he would soon become famous. In any event, he started talking to random pretty females more frequently, although almost entirely online, in light of his newfound capacity. He was approaching the possibility of fornication despite his recent embrace of increased moral standards, which included celibacy before marriage.

Still, the money he had been making from the website he got hired to create back in October wasn’t enough to help him get by. Worse yet, it would likely end soon. So, he started looking for a job. Unfortunately, despite the fact that he was feeling better from the recent spiritual improvements, he still had a serious problem with social anxiety. He was unable to get through any job interview without it being sabotaged by his nervousness.

He had not used crack in nearly two months, since the end of February. Back then, he had resolved, yet again, to give it up permanently, but now his deluded mentality caused him to conclude that if he just smoked a bit of crack right before an interview, he would gain the ability to speak confidently. This was pure stupidity. His state meant he wasn’t able to make it to the interview after taking a puff. As a result, he didn’t get hired for any job and continued to be quite poor. This forced him to apply for Social Assistance.

He was, however, still receiving the odd cheque from his website work, and in mid-April, received another one. It would have been good if there was someone who could hold on to his money due to his lingering addiction and the unrealistic thoughts that came with it. Did his Master really want him to protect people from this sickness? Was he really going to move down to New York to live near those disciples? Would he really marry Tammy even though she was already married? He was beginning to think these were true no matter how unrealistic they appeared. But he wouldn’t dare conclude that perhaps he should approach his parents honestly about his condition and ask them for help with his money to help him stop using.

Since he was, according to his own conviction, never going to use crack again, he thought he could help the police as a way of turning around his crimes against God. He believed he could turn his crack addiction into something positive. Jacob met with a couple undercover drug enforcement officers in their car, complete with tinted windows, in a mall parking lot next to his building. They felt he could be of some use to them as an informant or an agent. Of course, unbeknownst to them, he had already given up crack.

And so, a couple days later, he set out for a crack house near downtown Halifax. It seemed like his inner Master wanted him to do this, but he wasn’t sure. There were definitely times he could have been misinterpreting his Guru’s inner messages. While he was at the crack house on Clifton Street, he texted the following to Tammy: Well, I’m in the midst of this ‘undercover’ ‘assignment.’ Ugh it sucks, but thankfully everyone pretty much sees me as a ‘good guy’ or a friend.

Was he really on an assignment, though? The police never told him to do this.

That evening, he met some addicts and crack dealers to get some information for the police, and he ended up smoking some crack so they wouldn’t suspect him — but also because his lingering addiction demanded it. Supposedly, one of the addicts had some guns he wanted to give to Cider (the dealer who had been selling to Jacob of late), presumably in exchange for some crack. Cider asked Jacob if he could drive this addict to pick up the guns, and Jacob obliged, but only after he smoked some more crack.

It turned out this addict was completely out to lunch, antsy and strange, as Jacob discovered while driving to this supposed destination. It was soon clear that he didn’t have any place to go. Unfortunately, Jacob was relapsing, and he smoked several times with the addict, who was just delaying their trip so he could continue to get high. Eventually, the addict ripped Jacob off and disappeared, but only after Jacob gave him some money to get even more crack. Before leaving, this addict left a big mess—cigarette butts, photographs of the addict’s now-ruined family, papers, dirt, and even a crack pipe—in Jacob’s car, which was actually his father’s car. But the mess wasn’t Jacob’s initial concern. His initial concern was rushing back home to his condo in Bedford so he could continue to enjoy the evening somehow, despite being completely broke now after spending his first cheque from Social Assistance. He was coming off a crack high, and due to his hyped-up state, driving erratically and speeding, all while dragging his muffler on the pavement.

When he passed a cop car going in the opposite direction, the officer put on his lights, did a fast U-turn, and pulled him over. The officer noticed he was not with it and suspected he had been drinking. Within minutes, additional police cars pulled up to assist the initial officer. All of these officers were not aware that Jacob was trying to gather info for the undercover officers. Those types of meetings and discussions were closely held secrets kept from the rest of the police force.

Suspicious and full of adrenaline, the officers interrogated Jacob. He admitted to drinking a beer earlier that evening, though he admitted it may have been two. He wasn’t sure, but he kept his doubts to himself. Not buying it, the police brought him back to the main officer’s car, where the young officer gave Jacob a Breathalyzer test. Jacob believed, though he wasn’t sure, that he wasn’t over the legal limit.

After he finished the test, the officers examined the results and, without showing them to Jacob, looked at each other as though he had failed the test. Fortunately, Jacob could read people well and thought it was a good act meant to deceive him. To trick him into giving something away. He hoped that not providing them more information would get the officers off his case. When that failed, he revealed that he was gathering info for a couple drug enforcement officers that evening and had smoked some crack earlier.

One of the officers let out an extended, “Ohhhh,” as if finally privy to the missing piece he needed. That’s why Jacob wasn’t with it. Jacob freely gave them the names of the undercover officers, and the main officer suddenly was on his side, establishing a friendly rapport with him. Their investigative work on this call had been completed. Despite the look they gave each other after he completed the Breathalyzer test, they didn’t arrest him.

But the officers wouldn’t let him leave with the car because of the hanging muffler and because he didn’t have a valid driver’s license on him. With no money to afford a cab, Jacob had to walk home, but not before they gave him a couple tickets: one for the muffler and one for not having a driver’s licence. It was a three-hour, pathetic walk to his condo. The police had the car towed to an impound lot. That was the last time Jacob used until he relapsed for the final time in December of that year.

That incident took place during the early morning hours of April 17th, 2012. After Jacob got home from his long, lonely walk, he slept for a few fitful hours. The next day, he felt extremely insecure about what he had done the night before. Hostile forces had moved back into his consciousness, obscuring his feeling of the Holy Spirit and allowing discouragement and despair to creep in. Jacob returned to chanting the powerful mantra, “Let God’s Will be done for the rest of Eternity.” It brought the force to the fore, ever closer to the point of departure from his consciousness. But close was never enough. These forces were determined and entrenched and they weren’t leaving.

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Arjuna D. Ghose lives in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada (most of the time). When he's not working on writing for this blog or his multi-volume memoir, The Struggle Within, he's usually working on web design and development projects or trying to help his daughter to help ensure she grows up believing in herself, with happiness, and making good choices. He became a member of the Sri Chinmoy Centre in 1994 and continues to follow the teachings of Sri Chinmoy with the intention of making continuous progress toward the goal of fully actualizing and manifesting his spiritual nature.

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