“And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be.”
~ John Lennon / Paul McCartney [From the lyrics to “Let It Be”]
In times of wind and rain that cause us pain, there is a new hope that shines on until tomorrow. So, what should we do?
I saw my daughter — who had recently turned 15 — about 9 days ago from the date of this article. It was the first time I was able to spend quality father-daughter time with her since December.
Naturally, it helped me to feel good, spurring a spark of happiness, a feeling not common enough with all the trouble I’d been going through. It’s very important to feel connected with your child.
If you’ve ever been a parent, you may have an idea how it feels to be separated from your child that long and so often as I have for the last 7 years or so. Things are supposed to be appropriate for my daughter, according to what my heart knows, but we have been not very close to that for a long time. And it particularly obscures my happiness-sun during the times I am unnecessarily separated from her.
I was able to drop off an Easter gift for her at her house a couple weeks prior and saw her in person for about 7 minutes, the first time since December, but her last visit with me when I was able to spend quality father-daughter time with her helped me to feel that I am still loved and that I am helping her feel loved, enough to spur a little dose of increased joy.
I had mentioned in my previous blog article that an intuitive-guide friend declared to me with a tarot card that I was only thinking about myself. Well, the truth is, I wasn’t really sure what she was talking about.
But I realized during my last quality time visit with my daughter exactly what this friend of mine was most likely referring to.
As you may know, if you have read previous blog articles of mine, due to karma from my vengeful actions years ago of twisting the truth with respect to Sri Chinmoy’s guidance of me, I have had to be and continue to be supervised by my parents since 2012 whenever I have my daughter. Partially what that does is tarnish MY image impressed upon my daughter’s perception of me.
But another aspect of this scenario that causes anguish is, due to the fact that I am always around family when I have my daughter, there is one particular individual who is constantly stressing me due to the fact that he/she is constantly overbearingly micro-managing me on a very minute and unnecessary level, even with respect to little things I do and don’t do with my daughter. This has been going on for many years.
And I’ve been to the point where I can’t handle it anymore.
I’ve felt that I need to move to a different country, a different city, to get away, because I can’t take it anymore and convinced myself that it is somehow best for my daughter that I no longer submit to the court-ordered plan set in place as a result of her mother’s (Erin’s) accusations against me, that I need to be supervised. That could only involve me going away somewhere.
I began thinking like that again as we were all driving together, with my daughter, in a car towards our destination.
I’m out. This is not working for my daughter. It is bad for her for me to be treated like this. Her faith in me has been completely destroyed. I’m not going to spend any more time with her as long as I have to be supervised by my parents.
I had thoughts of taking off before. Such as while in Florida this past winter, I thought of taking off to India or maybe moving to Edmonton.
But these thoughts were definitely not just due to the anguish that I had been going through trying to be a good father for my daughter.
They were also due to the fact that I am now faced with potentially being placed under the jurisdiction of the Criminal Code Review Board, who will determine my disposition, such as forced regular out-patient treatment with a psychiatrist and medication compliance. These are two things which have already been causing me a lot of stress and have been additional things which have been tarnishing my credibility and image since 2012 because I do not have a mental illness (in terms of a brain organ disorder that would require me to take medication to help me function in society) and I am being falsely accused of having no insight.
False accusations are stressful, friend, which is why it would be unwise to smear somebody lest you then have to face the karma for your own actions.
This is the reason why I now will be challenging my accusers in what is called an NCR (Not Criminally Responsible) Trial. This NCR Trial is scheduled to begin in the regular Criminal (as oppose to Mental Health) Court at the end of June 2019.
It is very unlikely that I will win that trial, according to advice I’d received from a lawyer. A few MIRACLES would need to take place in order for me to be able to win and get out of this mire. So, although I’ve been making a lot of effort, I’m basically relying on miracles here, one of which would have to include a second opinion from a psychiatrist determining that I am NOT mentally ill. (And the only way to be awarded a stipulation of unsupervised access to my daughter from the Family Court would be by getting this aforementioned not-even-determined-to-happen-yet second opinion.)
One of those miracles could also be a healing of my prostate cancer, for which I am due for radiation treatment this May, by my spiritual guide.
Here is a recent Facebook conversation I had with a friend:
“My radiation treatment is scheduled for May 16th. I don’t know if Guru will heal my cancer before then, but I have been praying. He DID tell me that he will get me out of this mire and help me to get off the drugs and that the Crown will drop the charges and a few other things,” I told her with cautious hope. “I really really really do not want to go through any treatment.”
“But. If doctor feels you need to,” she said.
“Yes, unfortunately… I think my only hope is for there to be some kind of pre-op ultrasound and that the doctor does not detect cancer through that, but other than that it looks like I’ll be going through with the procedure. The radioactive seeds have already been ordered from Ontario and they are very expensive.”
It has seemed unlikely that I will win this NCR Trial, so why not just secretively take off to some other jurisdiction because I am NOT going to go on being treated this way by these individuals who are accusing me of having no insight (and thus just simply dismiss the things I say) because they are too inept to realize THEY don’t have the insight or even whether they are deluded. (I allowed a little anger to seep through there in this paragraph to help make my point. Yes, I’m angry.)
But what about what this intuitive-guide friend of mine had said?
Maybe I have not been ENTIRELY thinking about myself, but in this particular respect she would be right. I would indeed be only thinking about myself if I were to throw in the towel and maybe move to a different city somewhere until something better could be resolved through the Family Court or when I could possibly help my daughter to visit me after she turns the legal age of an adult [18 where I live] when I would no longer have to be supervised.
Those were the thoughts I had as we continued to drive to our destination during my daughter’s last visit.
This intuitive-guide friend must really be some kind of guide because her statement to me really did cause me to acknowledge that I would indeed only be thinking about myself if I were to completely stop looking after Abigail as long as I am not able to have unsupervised visits with her.
I, therefore, decided that since I am fighting for my daughter here, I will not be “throwing in the towel” ever and will be sticking with her no matter what, no matter how long this takes and no matter how difficult it is for me sometimes.
But with her now dried tears, I remain
(With their stains).
Not another drop in sight
As long as my heart-moon shines bright.
Her tears may have dried long-ago
But if i were to leave, they would indeed re-show
(Written in May 2019. To read my original poem, please visit this link: The Wind’s Divine Melody)
Was that decision I had just made an example of an experience of Mother Mary coming to me?
Tomorrow is another day. And it will bring with it a new way for me to say and feel “I love you.”
Like the following experience I had shortly after this aforementioned decision of mine during that auspicious drive to our destination:
I have great fondness for much of the music that came out of the 70s, such as many Beatles songs. But all her life, my daughter has mostly only liked contemporary, and in my opinion, crap (not that ALL contemporary music is crap). Except for the last couple years, maybe. I vaguely recalled on ONE particular occasion about a year ago her liking one particular song from many years ago. I thought that was impressive but must have been an anomaly.
As you know, happy feelings tend to become a little more enhanced when a song you like comes on the radio. And such was this occasion as we were driving to our destination during my daughter’s last visit with us. ‘Let it Be’ by the Beatles came on…
And in my times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Let it be.
Let it be?
Although I may not have used those words, that just so happens to be that to which I had just resolved a couple minutes prior.
And then I became a little more woke by the sound of music.
And what do you know, the divine Abigail boldly declared that she really likes this song (whilst I was in the midst of enjoying it). She had heard it a few times before.
“I like this song! Who sings it?”
“The Beatles. But that is Paul McCartney singing. The other Beatles sing too sometimes, though.”
“Is it just Paul McCartney singing or are the other Beatles singing too?”
“Just Paul McCartney.”
“But there is other singing. Is that the other Beatles?”
“Oh, no, that’s just some choir. But there are other Beatles that sing other Beatles’ songs.”
That was a first for me. I had never before experienced my daughter enjoying a song that I also liked so much and with which I have so many memories. And now here is a new memory: my daughter and I enjoying this song I enjoyed since my youth together for the first time in the car as we drove to our destination.
That wasn’t the only first that day, either.
Earlier, in McDonald’s, the sweetheart and I were waiting for our order to be ready. We were going to take a few treats with us for our journey.
What should I say to her while we’re waiting? Hmmm, I’m sure something will come to me.
“So, how was your day?” She asked.
Quite delighted was I to hear her ask me that question! That would be the very first time she, who had just turned 15, in her entire life had ever asked me that question.
In your times of trouble? Maybe you should let it be.
Let it be, keep trying, and let God take care of the miracles.