One thing I would like to make clear is I am not a highly adept or professional author. I am currently trying to improve my writing skills so that I can write my story better, so please bear with me. Inspiration served as the divine spark for writing this story back in 2010, and some very inspiring inner messages have strongly encouraged me to carry on.
It is very easy when you are writing about the truth. (It’d be far more difficult if I was lying.)
This blog illustrates how it is extremely unwise to smear or criticize a spiritual Master and the Light of Sri Chinmoy.
Who is Sri Chinmoy?
Sri Chinmoy is a spiritual Master from East Bengal (now Bangladesh) who came to New York when he was thirty-three. He lived there for the remainder of his life, until passing at the age of seventy-six. His life was defined by compassion for others. He continues to help many through his teachings of prayer and meditation, as well as the self-transcendence of the human spirit such as through various forms of physical exercise. Basically, his path is the path of the heart and not the path of the mind. He has hundreds of meditation centres around the world, and by the time he left the body in 2007, he had 7,000 disciples in sixty countries.
You may have noticed that I speak of him in the present tense. Yes, I say Sri Chinmoy IS a spiritual Master rather than WAS because he continues to guide and help us in his disembodied form from the higher regions which dwell within us. You’ll find the following sentence in the Introduction of the book On Sri Chinmoy’s Sunlit Path: Stories by disciples of Sri Chinmoy:
“Since his Mahasamadhi in 2007, we naturally speak of Sri Chinmoy’s outer life in the past tense, but his inner presence lives on, perhaps yet more tangibly.”
In Sri Chinmoy’s writings we find, among others, the following passage:
“A camel takes his burden for six to ten years and then its body becomes useless and it dies. But a spiritual Master never becomes useless. Even when he leaves the body, he has to work for his disciples. That is the difference between the burden of a camel and the duties of a spiritual Master. The spiritual Master takes eternal responsibility for his dearest and closest disciples. So he has the shoulders of a divine camel.”
~ Sri Chinmoy [Source: Obedience or Oneness]
Many consider Sri Chinmoy to be an Avatar. From ananda.org (https://www.ananda.org/yogapedia/avatar/):
“The Sanskrit word avatar (or avatara) literally means ‘descent.’
It refers to the descent of divinity from heaven to earth, and is typically used to describe an incarnation of God.”
It should be noted that the Avatars are all one, manifested in various forms, with different features, incarnated in different ages, with various ways to approach the Truth. According to Sri Chinmoy, Sri Krishna, the Buddha, and Jesus Christ are all examples of Avatars.
For this reason (and many others), it is difficult for me to know the right words to use. For instance, I often don’t know whether to use the word ‘God’ or ‘Sri Chinmoy’, though I typically use the latter. Forgive me for this. I became his disciple in 1994 when I was eighteen, I followed his teachings, became deeply devoted to him, and developed a connection with him. Meanwhile, he made a promise to both my soul and to God to take me to God. If my Master is guiding me inwardly (as he does with all his disciples), it is a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why Sri Chinmoy, specifically, would be my Inner Guide. I am also fond of spiritual Master Mother Meera, but even when I turned to her, Sri Chinmoy did not abandon me. In mid-2016, while sitting at my shrine, I inwardly asked this Master whether I should call Part 1 of my book The Burn or The Wind’s Divine Melody. “The Wind’s Divine Melody” came the reply. But was that Sri Chinmoy inwardly replying on her behalf, or a direct inner message from Mother Meera? I generally lean toward the former.
As another example, here is a quote from Sri Chinmoy:
“There are some disciples whom I consider to be very dear to me who have emanations of mine “assigned” to their souls. An emanation is my inner representative that is associated with a particular soul and has a free access to me. At any hour an emanation may bring me a message about what you are doing, although usually it comes to me early in the morning.”
~ Sri Chinmoy [Source: Obedience or Oneness]
So, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I am dealing with (most of the time) one of Sri Chinmoy’s emanations. However, I’ve decided to use ‘Sri Chinmoy’ and ‘Guru’.
What This Blog is About
This blog is about the mire I am in due to my karma from smearing Sri Chinmoy entirely due to angry, knee-jerk reactions after being disciplined by him, something that doesn’t represent who I am and how I ultimately feel about my Master. I also intend to manifest Sri Chinmoy’s Light that exudes within this story, reflecting how he has been and will continue to bring me out of this mire. That was his intention all along. Although, I must also confess I have limited faith and tend to be a doubting Thomas sometimes. Otherwise, there would have been a lot less struggle and self-destruction in this story. Yes, there is a contradiction here. I will expand more on that later. But for now, I will say that sometimes my mind contradicts the feelings in my heart and soul.
I have been keeping a journal to record the details of this story since 2010 because I knew then that Sri Chinmoy’s Light would manifest through this story somehow. I will continue to compile and perfect this story’s written text into my multi-volume memoir, The Struggle Within.
In this blog, I do my best to hide everyone’s identity. I change most people’s names and hide certain distinguishing characteristics.
This mire that I am in is presented in two separate blog categories—My Challenge of Helping My Daughter and My Credibility Tarnished by Psychiatry—and is entirely due to the fact that I repeatedly smeared Sri Chinmoy (through letters and phone calls) several years ago. Sri Chinmoy disciplined me inwardly in a way that humiliated me. It offended me and made me angry and vengeful, and in return, I tried to punish him by giving other disciples the impression that he harassed me and ruined my life. Although, it was often quite humiliating, the actual problems arose from my destructiveness.
My Challenge of Helping My Daughter
This mire involves my challenge of fixing the image of me that has been set in my daughter’s mind, something I strongly believe would improve our relationship. This involves an inability of mine, following the defamation of my character by her mother, Erin, to help her. To get her to do things I feel she should, like taking a shower every day, or spending less time on her cell phone. She also has mental health problems and feels that I am doing something wrong to her, or that there is something wrong with me.
Erin and I have not been together since our daughter was three months old, in 2004. She has been a victim of emotional neglect and parental alienation against me all her life. For example, Erin has convinced our daughter to keep secrets from me for years. This resulted in major mental health problems, exhibited as behaviour problems. By teaching her that I do things wrong (or that her mother’s way is the only correct way), Erin seriously affected the innocent relationship between us, changing my daughter’s perception of me.
It made it very difficult for me to feel I could work with Erin on a co-parenting basis, so, I, therefore, prepared to fight for custody in 2012, when our daughter was seven. But before I could move forward with an application to the court, Erin did everything she could to make me look bad to the Family Court with the help of a high-paid lawyer hired by her mother. At that same time, Sri Chinmoy, my Inner Guide, inwardly tricked me (believe it or not) due to my karma for smearing him years prior. Had I not been infused with this spiritual experience from Sri Chinmoy, and then received the resulting disservice from Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrists and a Nova Scotia Legal Aid lawyer, it would have been much easier just to fight against Erin in court, which would have restored my tarnished character.
My Credibility Tarnished by Psychiatrists
The other part of this issue is the fact that because of Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrists, it has been impossible for me to help my daughter through a legal process with the emotional neglect (and parental alienation) that she has been going through. This could be more specifically defined as ‘the tarnished image of me that’s been impressed upon her.’ These psychiatrists, mostly Dr. Nelson, became an unwelcome and unexpected hurdle in my life after Sri Chinmoy, as my Higher Self, tricked me during late May and early June 2012, as per my karma for smearing him years prior. While fighting for what’s best for my daughter, I also have been fighting to restore my image and credibility.
Sometime in the spring of 2013, I was lying in bed, wondering why I made myself look bad a year earlier, particularly with all my Facebook posts, some of which warned people of a “sickness” being started deliberately. And, while wondering that, or immediately after wondering it, Sri Chinmoy inwardly told me that what I did to him had come back to me. As he said that, he made a white streak-of-a-line semi-oval that started at me, went to him, and then came back to me.
Ultimately, these two blog categories are directly related into one mire, but the issue with the Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrists has started to become a whole category on its own, particularly now that I am being threatened with the possibility of being forced to take a potent antipsychotic drug, namely Clozapine. If I did have to go on this drug, it would be something I would have to do for the rest of my life (from a psychiatrist’s perspective). This is something I strongly oppose especially considering the potential side-effects, which include constipation, sedation, drooling, and the possibility of developing diabetes and other irreversible conditions to my body and brain. But more importantly would be the continued psychological torture of false accusations and an inability to help my daughter through the Family Court.
Inspiration for You
Let me tell you a little story.
One morning, in 2000, not long after waking up, I stood shaving in front of the bathroom mirror. I had been suffering from a very sore throat for about two weeks, and that morning I noticed my throat was not making any progress. While shaving, I spoke to Sri Chinmoy as though he were standing right beside me. I didn’t concentrate or apply any intensity while speaking the words, because I knew he could hear everything I say. I said, “Guru, can you please do something about my throat?” Immediately after I finished that sentence, I began to feel a tingling deep in my throat. It felt very good and it massaged my throat where the pain was. I was amazed. The moment it stopped, the pain was gone. There was still a little trace of soreness when I swallowed, but that cleared up soon after. It was very nice of Guru to do that.
Sri Chinmoy also healed my lower back pain at the end of 2016 with a simple and delicate divine touch. Due to pain, I had several times not been able to stand up straight or bend over. A few times, I fell to the floor unable to get up. One day, I felt a delicate “touch” on my lower back that lasted a second or two. That problem is now suddenly gone, without having made any life-style changes.
But I can’t really prove these things to people. You only have my words to go by. Granted, my parents were witnesses to my lower back problem and are aware that I no longer have issues with it, but they would be hard-pressed to believe that Sri Chinmoy had anything to do with it. But what if some things were to occur that would be very difficult for a nonbeliever to deny?
Because I’ve become upset with Sri Chinmoy several times, my relationship with him has been entirely seen (by certain psychiatrists) as schizophrenia, and any claim on my part that Sri Chinmoy healed my throat and lower back pains would be seen as a delusional belief. It would be almost impossible for me to prove that I don’t have schizophrenia.
Basically, I am going to be taking certain Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrists to court, mainly Dr. Potlick and Dr. Nelson (names have been changed). If I lose this trial, I will likely be forced to go on Clozapine (likely by injection). If I win, I will completely get the psychiatrists out of my life and likely be cleared of the schizophrenia label, making it much easier to help my daughter and restore my credibility. (If I DON’T take them to court, I will most likely be forced to go on Clozapine, making it IMPOSSIBLE to ever challenge the schizophrenia label.)
It takes courage, not delusion, to start this blog and write a multi-volume memoir.
What I may be able to illustrate in these posts is that the reason I felt fueled to make Sri Chinmoy “pay” is because of the emotional abuse I’ve dealt with all my life. I’ve never really been taught to “turn the other cheek,” having too often received and witnessed the opposite. I’ve only recently started embracing this way of responding and reacting by studying the New Testament over the last two or three years.
This is a brutal experience for me. I often feel deeply hurt by how I have been treated and what I’ve been going through. But there is a positive side to this. It seems to be fulfilling all my dreams. The ones deep in my heart. A gift from Sri Chinmoy?
I assure you, you may not understand how this is a gift this early into the blog, but I do. Please stay with me until you, too, see it as a gift.
My behavior has led to other karma I have to deal with, but this blog will only cover my karma from smearing Sri Chinmoy and other supporting information regarding that.
For now, I’ll leave you with another little quote from Sri Chinmoy:
“Unfortunately, some Masters think that previous Avatars were not even Yogis. When Avatars see from Heaven that others are criticizing them, then in the inner world they give serious punishment. If a Master unnecessarily criticizes an Avatar, even if the Avatar being criticized does not have even twenty disciples, the cosmic law will take revenge.”
~ Sri Chinmoy [Source: God, Avatars and Yogis]