“Can you heal the sick?”
“Yes, I heal different kinds of sickness,” [Mother Meera] says.
[From: The Road Within: True Stories of Transformation and the Soul, a conversation with Mark Seal (Meera Gazing)]
I have learned throughout the years that to seriously improve my mental health (and thus my success in life), I need to have more faith in myself.
I have also learned that my mental health (and success in life) has been adversely affected by insufficient faith in my Master, Sri Chinmoy.
It is disturbing how little help I’ve gotten from the professional mental-health community on these two issues. (This only came from a licensed therapist I spoke to for a couple months—NEVER from a psychiatrist.)
According to the psychiatrists I’ve dealt with—and I’ve dealt with more than 20, both here in Nova Scotia and in Toronto—only a drug from a pharmaceutical company would be the answer. Although Sri Chinmoy had said [in this question and answer] that the easiest way to overcome imperfection in ourselves “is through full, absolute faith in the Master.”
[You would have to read my story, beginning with The Struggle Within: The Wind’s Divine Melody (Vol. 1), to understand why I would ever speak to psychiatrists in the first place. Hint: it involved a naive (and pathetic) attempt to make Sri Chinmoy look bad.]
Had I maintained full, absolute faith in Sri Chinmoy (and myself), I wouldn’t have found fault with him when going through difficult experiences, particularly after being disciplined by him. I wouldn’t have behaved badly out of vengefulness. It would have been much easier for me to say, “It is for my own good.”
It is very difficult to say “It is for my own good” when you don’t have faith that that’s the case. And there were many times my ego was too insulted that I did not WANT to say that, such as when I got into a car accident on Oct. 8, 2017.
I was triggered by a close family member’s insult and turned my upset thoughts toward my inner spiritual guide, my Master, Sri Chinmoy. Because I was upset with him there was something wrong with my ego at that time, and I did not WANT to surrender to his affectionate “divine touches” bestowed upon me through spiritual communication. My ego didn’t want me to because it didn’t want to feel humiliated. So, I took a few sleeping pills to help the “small me” feel appeased. To help my ego feel that it came out the winner and got the last blow in.
My ordinarily astute, rational thought processing and self-monitoring capacity had become clouded because I was upset and had consumed enough sleeping pills to obsfuscate my logical thinking and put me to sleep during the day when I wasn’t tired. I was in a restaurant, and knowing I couldn’t fall asleep there, I went to my car. But at the same time, I felt I couldn’t fall asleep in my car where it was parked downtown because the police might come. So, I had to drive it somewhere where I could park it, at least according to my skewed logic. Unfortunately, I fell asleep while driving.
I would not have been insulted and triggered by my close family member’s insult if I had enough faith in myself and my Master, who inwardly guides me. And I would not have turned my upset thoughts toward my Master had that type of thinking not become a habit over the years. I started going down the wrong path of getting upset with my Master many years ago in response to “blows”, a type of hidden divinity “slap on the bum” administered—or, I should say “bestowed”—upon me through spiritual communication with my Master.
But these “blows” are no longer a part of my Master’s inner guidance of me. In early 2016, I had confided in my friend, Tammy, that they seem to be no longer occurring. I also said the same thing to Dr. Nelson in late 2015. I told her it seems they had lasted 9 years. I told her this because the number 9 is a significant number for me. And in late 2016, Sri Chinmoy inwardly advised me that the struggle within is over. So, really, what has continued has been just a habitual way of thinking and behaving.
But because I got into a car accident on Oct. 8, 2017, I now have to challenge an NCR (Not Criminally Responsible) decision against me by a Nova Scotia Health Authority forensic psychiatrist I’ll call Dr. Potlick. An NCR decision, in my view, is worse than being given the minimum sentence from the criminal justice system (a $1,000 fine and a one-year driving suspension) because Dr. Potlick claims I have schizophrenia, a label that cold stick with me for life.
I will begin disputing Dr. Potlick’s NCR decision in the Nova Scotia Supreme Court in Halifax in late July or August 2019. Although I have no history of violence or a criminal record, I am being threatened with the possibility of being forced to go on a potent antipsychotic drug. If I refuse, I’ll be forced to stay at the East Coast Forensic Hospital in Dartmouth.
I have been going through a Dark Night of the Soul, with an inability to meditate properly since 1997. This is one reason I’ve often found fault with Sri Chinmoy, my meditation teacher, during difficult experiences/emotional pain. Severe spiritual dryness during my every waking moment began in the latter half of 2012. Another reason is because of the mire I’ve been in, which involves a lot of false accusations and mistreatment. There have been times I blamed it on him. I learned to do this because that’s how I grew up.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t made progress.
Spiritual Progress During Spiritual Dryness
It has become apparent to me in recent years that I have been making spiritual progress without the help of deep meditation. How? Through spiritual improvements performed on me like the one below.
I wrote the following by text message to my friend, Passy, on January 6, 2019:
That experience took place within one second.
Despite these kinds of spiritual improvements performed on me over the years, I still found fault with Sri Chinmoy because when I got discouraged, which happened whenever I felt like I wasn’t making any inner or outer progress, my mind drifted into blame toward him. Not all the time, but sometimes. Too often, anyway. Like when I was emotionally hurt by false accusations from people like my parents, or from psychiatrists like Dr. Nelson—the Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrist who naysaid me during almost every session. Then, because I felt hurt, I found fault with Sri Chinmoy as a way to punish him. I wrongly perceived that he was an easy target, or that everything was his fault. It is hardly a problem with me anymore, but that is mostly thanks to the progress and the help of my Master during this spiritual dryness.
Another Sri Chinmoy Miracle: My Gastro Reflux Disease Is Healed
Since I don’t feel major results, maybe this improvement really didn’t do anything?
If that is the case, then how would you explain the following:
In the same way that I’ve noticed Sri Chinmoy performing spiritual fixes/improvements on me, giving me guidance thoughts, “touching” me (with divine touches), and administering disciplinary “blows,” all of which I have been told by psychiatrists, particularly Dr. Nelson, are delusional beliefs, I experienced Sri Chinmoy heal my gastro reflux disease with a similar kind of “spiritual fix.” This also took place within one second.
Like a helpless injured animal who just innately knew that a certain human could help him, I consulted my family doctor over a year ago because incessant burping and burning acid reflux in my esophagus was driving me crazy. It took a few months (probably more like years) of suffering from this gastro reflux before it dawned on me that maybe my doctor could help me. I specifically said to her, “It is driving me crazy.” She even repeated that back to me as she tried to digest (no pun intended) what I was telling her.
My family doctor, whom I love, then became my saviour (once again) by prescribing me Rabeprazole, a medication used to treat gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), which helped majorly.
Some days I would forget to take the Rabeprazole (or forget to bring them with me when I went away) and made a mental note, after two days of no medication, that it is an EMERGENCY that I do not forget these pills because my gastro reflux is so bad.
My father also has this disease and he takes the same medication. (There were times I’ve had to “borrow” pills from him.)
After two days of missing a pill, I’d be suffering severely from incessant burping and/or acid reflux.
But I had forgotten to bring the bulk of my Rabeprazole pills before I left for a trip to Florida in early January. I only had about 20 or 30 pills, not enough to last for a four-month trip.
The last time I had taken a Rabeprazole pill was on January 13, 2019.
Two days later, I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep after a big meal and being tortured by acid reflux instead of sleeping peacefully. After 10 or 20 minutes of feeling tortured by this, Sri Chinmoy’s Inner Spirit gave this unpleasant feeling inside me a nice, soothing, gentle healing-embrace. And then it was fixed! The unpleasant feeling was no more! And I fell asleep.
It has never come back. This, despite the bad attitude my mind often drifts into these days, and as it had been somewhat during this split-second “fix”, with all the hell I’ve been going through. I really need to be more grateful.
But Sri Chinmoy did not say, “Nope, nope, nope, can’t do that, you’re not in the right consciousness.” He didn’t say, “Be happier!”
At the time, I did not know whether Sri Chinmoy repaired my entire gastro reflux disease or just that one episode of incessant burping and acid reflux. But I have not had a stomach pill since and am still having no problems, which is a miracle!
This miracle was completely unexpected. I did not once pray for or expect my gastro reflux to be healed.
From my personal experience, this is just an infinitesimal, tinier than the tiniest sliver of what Sri Chinmoy is capable of.
The following are some text messages to my friends I’d sent them four or five days after this gastro-reflux-fix:
[‘Jacob’ is the name I use for myself throughout my book.]
I had two pizzas last night. (One for a late lunch, one for a late supper.) No stomach pill this morning. Lots of coffee this morning. Still no problems with gastro reflux disease! I’m really getting inspired here, Passy
Wow good. Take care
It’s just unthinkable. Unthinkable. Ordinarily, I’d be tortured by burps right now.
This Miracle Won’t Be Enough to Reverse My Schizophrenia Diagnosis
But would anyone believe that Sri Chinmoy healed this disease of mine? My family doctor probably wouldn’t. Definitely not my parents. And certainly not Dr. Nelson, the Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrist I had been meeting with since 2013 solely to get a letter for the Family Court so that I could help my daughter through a legal process regarding the emotional neglect she’d been going through. She accused me of being delusional: that my entire multi-volume book is a delusion, my attempt to help my daughter is a delusion, and my faith that I have an inner relationship with my Master is a delusion. She claims that I am so delusional that I have no insight.
For some reason, Dr. Nelson and Myth Nimson, the occupational therapist who sat in on all our sessions, could not understand why saying stuff like the above to me—and just simply my having to deal with psychiatrists in the first place—would stress me out. I had snapped at them a few times after being offended, or when sessions drifted into the stress that built up because I would imagine telling them off but never being able to get through to them. This kind of thinking sometimes caused my mind to direct my anger toward my Master.
This guy seems to know, however, why this would stress me out:
No psychiatrist has ever said anything remotely similar to me. And yet, I am the one who has no insight.
The psychiatrists caused me mental health problems by causing me to question myself.
No mental health professional picked up on that.
Feeling inspired, and resolving myself to realizing that most people won’t believe that Sri Chinmoy healed my gastro reflux disease, I texted my friend, Mandy:
I’m doing pretty good. Guru healed my gastro reflux disease (I’d doubt you or anybody would believe that though) Love you. It’s a f@#%ing miracle, but I gotta learn to not expect people to believe me, instead of snapping at those that don’t.
I’m living a miracle right now, and only *I* know it. Anyway, God bless. Have a good day.
Am I so deluded that I am still having problems with incessant burping and acid reflux but I don’t even realize it? That would be the kind of false accusation I’ve gone through, due to my karma from smearing Sri Chinmoy years ago, by people like Dr. Nelson.
But here is a reason for me to have more faith in God, the Divine, Sri Chinmoy, and myself—no matter how much my mind tries to doubt it or question it, this gastro reflux is gone!
And only I know how much of a miracle it is. How bad it was before compared to how it is now.
Is ‘What If I Fail?’ a Delusive Way to Think?
This might be a good time to tell you that I have prostate cancer and am due for radiation treatment. I have NO IDEA whether Sri Chinmoy will heal it, but I know from experience that he easily could. [I have updated the news on this in a subsequent blog article.]
While questioning and scrutinizing the logic of going through with this blog, I stumbled upon a Facebook post by a fitness coach friend of mine. The post was about how she was afraid of failing before she ever began her fitness regimen. I was having those same thoughts before starting this blog.
So, I left the following comment on her post:
The following private Facebook conversation with my fitness coach friend, who had done some fitness coaching for me in the past began shortly after:
Hey Jacob. Just seen your comment. Whats up?
Hey friend. I was talking about my plans to start a blog. So, I found your post inspiring. The fitness part I can do. I just gotta get past the lethargy and unwillingness and to make it more of a priority
Ah. I feel you will find your footing in due time. I tried blogging a couple of times myself….i couldnt really get it going either.
I am doing monthly newsletters now (well, ive done one so far) and it feels less stress than my origi so blogging.
As for the fitness part: join my next challenge group, set up the app to send you a reminder if you havent logged, lean in on the support and ask for support……
Oh dear. Was I too much?
No no. Absolutely not. I am agreeing with you. I’m going to do what you said. This coaching thing really seems to be your thing. You make a great coach!
Awe. Thanks!! that means a lot. I was struggling before the holidays and wondered if i really wanted to continue….but I do and I am. And ppl like you saying that, makes it worth it.
It was then that I vividly recalled Sri Chinmoy inwardly advising me one evening around mid-December while I was lying in bed. He told me, as I fell asleep, to give this person a compliment by commenting on one of her Facebook posts that she looked good.
I didn’t listen because the message didn’t seem very clear, and I didn’t understand why I would do that.
I myself don’t even believe in these Sri Chinmoy messages (or how he is helping me) well enough sometimes, which is a reason why I’ve become offended sometimes.
Why Don’t Mental Health Professionals Try to Help You to Believe In Yourself?
Insufficient faith in myself and who I am is why false accusations have often been brutal for me. Insufficient faith is the main reason I found fault with Sri Chinmoy and accused him of not helping me properly.
Psychiatrists don’t tend to try to help you believe in yourself. And they certainly don’t help you believe in the guidance of the Divine.
On January 14, 2017, I asked my friend, who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and who used to be a psychiatric nurse at a mental hospital:
Her response two days later:
As I said, they, (primarily meaning Dr. Nelson), caused me serious mental health problems by causing me to question myself. To make matters worse, they stood in the way of my being able to help my daughter! I couldn’t help her through thte Family Court because of Dr. Nelson’s skewed opinion of me.
Despite the human tendency to not believe/find fault, though, I do believe these blog articles will inspire you and maybe even increase your faith. After all, I remained inspired to write these words even after knowing that many people will not believe me or will judge me. The fact that I know Sri Chinmoy will help me and that it will inspire people is the reason I deciced to start this blog.
“Disbelief is nothing short of poison. Therefore, it is better to believe and be deceived than not to believe at all. One may appear stupid, but this is better than succumbing to disbelief.”
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Einstein: scientist-sage, brother of atom-universe]
“It is easier to disbelieve than to believe because disbelief is an act of breaking, and belief is an act of building. Building is more difficult than breaking.”
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: The Garland of Nation-Souls]
“Why do you have to believe in a Guru, as long as you believe in yourself? If you have faith in yourself, that means you have faith in something high, divine, pure and immortal. You do not have to believe in a Guru as long as you believe in yourself.”
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Sri Chinmoy answers, part 11]
No path can be too hard for you
If you have one God-Gift:
Faith in yourself.
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Song-flowers, part 8]
“What is of paramount importance is your own faith in yourself and in the Lord Supreme. If you have faith in the Supreme, if you have faith in yourself, then the question of falling does not arise. But if you have very little faith in the Supreme, then naturally you will fall. If you have little faith in yourself, then immediately you will fall. If you have only a little faith in the Supreme, you may fall tomorrow; but if you have little faith in yourself, then you will fall at this very moment.”
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Dipti Nivas]
It is strange that psychiatrists can’t understand the delusive poison involved in my insufficient faith in myself and my Master, and then confuse the faith I do have with delusion.
If I did believe beyond a shadow of a doubt in my inner relationship with my Master—so much so that I never became offended or discouraged or angry, I’d be even more deluded? That’s a strange mental health philosophy.
I’m gradually learning, though, that this world is less about the need for people to believe in you and much more about the need for you to believe in yourself and to believe that GOD believes in you. I’ve seen proof of it through my Master. I hope you are as lucky.