My ‘Impaired’ Judgment
I have recently been advised not to share anything on my blog that an adviser and I have discussed. So, I still need to decide what I am going to say with respect to any legal information and particulars regarding my upcoming NCR (Not Criminally Responsible) Trial. Therefore, the blog posting that I mentioned in my previous blog article that I would create has been put on hold for now. In the meantime, here is a blog article I wrote when I first started these Karma from Smearing Sri Chinmoy blog articles. This 9th article out of my Karma from Smearing Sri Chinmoy blog articles is about how dealing with idiots tends to drive me crazy. In addition to karma, these blog articles discuss a spiritual communication with the Master.
As I stated in the Introduction of Vol. 1 of The Struggle Within: The Wind’s Divine Melody, I have always been someone easily hurt by false accusations. Although I’m getting better, I hate being misconstrued or misunderstood. It’s also ironic that my pain and anger have caused even more misunderstanding. My being so perversely sensitive to what other people may think causes me to be reserved around others. This results in an inhibitions problem in what has a appeared to more than one doctor as a flat affect, a symptom of schizophrenia and depression. But this has not been done simply from chemicals in my brain, but rather to my consciousness through childhood trauma.
Nevertheless, for some reason I have been tortured by false accusations and misconstrued comments from psychiatrists, police officers, and the mother of my child, who defamed me in affidavits painting me as an abusive father and more. Even a close family member smeared me on several occasions. As I’ve learned from dealing with psychiatrists (and I’ve dealt with about 20 or so thus far), their version of ‘insight’ largely involves looking into your health record to see what previous psychiatrists/doctors have said. Please read my post Sri Chinmoy’s Smear Against Me to read why I would ever speak to psychiatrists in the first place.
Dr. Nelson, the psychiatrist I dealt with beginning in August 2013, made accusations in the form of naysaying, treating me like I’m going to do (or have done) something wrong, or that I’m delusional and can’t figure things out for myself. Any experience of spiritual communication with Sri Chinmoy is held as psychosis; my faith that I have an inner relationship with him considered a delusional belief. She labelled me with the impeding diagnosis of schizophrenia. It was evident not only in her naysaying but also in her notes in my health record how she often misconstrued the things I said to her. Apparently, you can be misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist simply through semantics.
Psychiatrists just don’t understand my faith in Sri Chinmoy’s inner guidance, the part where he scolds me, or gives me any form of blessing.
The only reason I met with Dr. Nelson, and Myth Nimson, the occupational therapist who sat in on all our sessions, was so that I could get a letter from them about my mental health and progress. I needed this for the Family Court so that I could help my daughter through a legal process with the emotional neglect she’d been going through. For some reason, there was an inappropriate stipulation in mine and the mother’s (Erin’s) Court Order stating that I needed to get such a letter before being able to make any further application to the court.
As I stated in my first blog post about karma from smearing Sri Chinmoy:
Not surprisingly, since I am so sensitive by nature, I am sensitive about how I am treated by the main characters in my life, such as my daughter and my mother. That sensitivity is heightened by the stress of the mire that I am in but also the spiritual dryness and emptiness of the Dark Night of the Soul I’ve been going through.
(If you are going to research the Dark Night of the Soul, I recommend you study St. John of the Cross’s poetic definition. His book, Dark Night of the Soul, can be difficult to read, so you may want to read others’ descriptions and comments about the contents of this book, like the one in this blog post about the Dark Night of the Soul.)
My Dark Night of the Soul began in the latter half of 1997. A far more challenging (very dry) phase began in the latter half of 2012 after I finished several months of feeling filled with Sri Chinmoy’s Spirit (which I refer to as the Holy Spirit in my book).
As I said in my first blog post, I am not a highly adept or professional author. The author of the above-mentioned article articulates the Dark Night of the Soul much better than I could. She says things like:
A spiritual novice – a revert or new convert – may initially find him/herself immersed in the sweetness of spiritual consolations, tender affections, and even brief ecstasies or prophetic words. We seek signs from God, and we receive them. We long to feel Him close to our hearts, and He responds likewise. We ask for spiritual enlightenment, the gift to experience a supernatural phenomenon, and God may grant us these. This is a state of spiritual infancy, according to the theology of St. John of the Cross. When a person desires complete union with God, it is necessary that s/he must first enter into a period of time in which his/her senses are darkened, the intellect is clouded, and the will dies to itself.
The person may feel lost, alone, and completely mystified as to what direction s/he is taking in his/her interior life. When one prays, God remains mute. When one longs to feel His love and affection, s/he is met with a seemingly cold, sterile silence. There are no consolations, spiritual comforts, signs or supernatural responses. The person cannot comprehend this feeling of unknowing or isolation, a sense of being completely shrouded in nothingness. One faces the temptation to abandon one’s faith, to conclude that God does not exist – or if He does, in fact, exist, He is not a merciful and loving God.
And that really rings true to my experience. I realized many years later that the miraculous inner nourishment I felt as I first embarked on Sri Chinmoy’s path in 1994 was God’s Embrace. Then the holy darkness descended. I lost my inability to meditate in 1997, thus a lot of spiritual nourishment that went with it, but in 2012, my spiritual dryness came on full force. Although I was not tempted to abandon my faith (at least not in the second phase), or conclude that God does not exist, I did indeed find fault with God and Sri Chinmoy.
October 8, 2017 was one of those times. I became very angry with Sri Chinmoy after being insulted by a close family member. This anger, brought on after a false accusation from this close family member, led me to deliberately misbehave. I became triggered and ended up getting into a car accident while driving after taking some sleeping pills. I clearly need more faith in myself and my Master. If I had that, I wouldn’t be so easily offended or angry. I’ve learned from the way I grew up to blame an easy target. However, my main problem in recent years was that my stumbling into this kind of thinking had become a habit. I have been breaking this habit, meaning this issue is essentially no longer a problem, but that is for another blog post.
When things like laughter or simply finding something funny, or good music, or feeling productive with my work help me feel good, I feel really good, although I still have blocks in my consciousness that I’ve had since childhood. These prevent me from expressing myself well in face-to-face conversations.
Other times, I feel discouraged or hurt again, particularly if I think about how someone may be thinking about me. If I think it’s not good, which could be a misapprehension on my part, or false accusations from Dr. Nelson, Dr. Potlick, or a close family member, those good feelings disappear.
I’m very sensitive. One might conclude that I was more prone to being adversely affected by emotional abuse than others. Or this sensitivity could be due to what I’ve grown up with and continue to experience. I do know that I chose, at an early age, to deal with this by practicing Sri Chinmoy’s philosophy to try to become one with and manifest my true self. I am extremely fueled to get the truth out (and that has a lot to do with manifesting the divinity of Sri Chinmoy), not because I’m pathetic and want to clear my name, but because I have this inner drive to do so coming from my soul (and because I’ve received inner guidance from my Master that this is what he wants) and I’ve known that it could help people get in touch with something higher.
Writing my multi-volume memoir, The Struggle Within, has been extremely cathartic. It felt really good from the moment I started writing it in journal format to my friend, Tammy, in 2010. I was helping her understand! And she was reading what I was saying, causing me to feel so much love for her.
Some of the best experiences of my life were when I was filled with Sri Chinmoy’s Spirit during the first half of 2012. I would head out to a coffee shop to write to Tammy or to work on my (first) blog, which I was writing from early July to about mid-September 2012.
If I could really conquer this sensitivity to what others might think or to how I am treated, I would appear far less mentally ill. I would be far more expressive, talkative, and content, expressing more feelings of love and confidence to close family members and many others. I would be more congenial and articulate, able to talk to and joke around with strangers. And I would be triggered far less frequently.
Instead, I am almost always reserved and overly compliant, and most of my self-expression is done through writing. Even when I write sometimes there are blocks, and I’ve learned that to be understood better, it is better to write when I am inspired. When I know what it is I want to say. It is often very difficult for me to feel ‘inspired’ when dealing with somebody like a psychiatrist face-to-face since my shyness and imperfections cloud out my true self. It is because of these blocks and weaknesses in my nature that I was easily misunderstood by Dr. Nelson when meeting with her. She had already made up her mind about me just by looking into my health record, before even meeting with me for the first time in August 2013, so it would be hard to penetrate her pre-judgments regardless. Somehow, she then “figured out” that my so-called flat-affect was a symptom of schizophrenia.
I’m no spiritual Master, but it may be possible that bringing your weaknesses and imperfections to the fore and subsequently overcoming them (through meditation, offering them to God, maintaining pure thoughts, etc.) may be a good way to fully conquer them. That, however, is a long-term process.
I practice meditation every day, and although it’s currently very dry and not nourishing, it helps me to feel a little bit better sometimes. What does fix, repair, and improve my consciousness is spiritual improvements performed on me by Sri Chinmoy. Oftentimes, he performs improvements on me during certain periods, such as every day for a week or so, and then, for long periods, I hardly feel anything.
I wrote the following by text message on January 6, 2019 to my friend:
Basically, I am a man with many imperfections, but Sri Chinmoy has been doing so much to fix those imperfections.
As I said in a previous blog post, I am going to be taking certain psychiatrists to court this summer. Dr. Potlick, the forensic psychiatrist, will likely have to face cross-examination. Dr. Nelson likely won’t, but her opinion will be challenged. And rightly so.
Basically, I behaved badly many times throughout the years in response to being scolded inwardly by Sri Chinmoy, which often involved finding fault with him. First, I would find fault when I became discouraged in some way, then I would be scolded. As you can see, this vengeful behaviour caused me a lot of bad karma. I’m in this mire because I retaliated against Sri Chinmoy. Now, I am in a position of restoring my image, which evidently involves trying to show how divine Sri Chinmoy is.
In Vol. 2 of my memoir, The Struggle Within: The Wind’s Divine Melody, I describe how my angry, vengeful behaviour (which often involved consuming alcohol) had caused a lot of hell to build up in my consciousness in the form of hostile forces and other darkness (not to be confused with the holy darkness of the Dark Night of the Soul). Sri Chinmoy helped clean this darkness up during his Spiritual Intervention in March 2012. He got a lot of hostile forces out of me. It was only because of this Spiritual Intervention that I recognized the many hostile forces built up inside me and became filled with the Holy Spirit.
But Dr. Potlick claimed in his report dated November 15, 2018 that such upset behaviour (repeated on October 8, 2017, when I was triggered by my close family member’s offensive tone and ended up getting into a car accident) was entirely due to a mental disorder and I should not, according to Canadian Law, be considered criminally responsible. Apparently, it was not deliberate bad behaviour–the kind that caused massive hostile forces to build up within my consciousness–and I should be considered not guilty, at least from the law’s perspective. According to Dr. Potlick, I should be under the jurisdiction of the Criminal Code Review Board due to a mental disorder (aka mental illness), where they will force me to go through treatment and continue to insult me with false accusations.
But did I not make bad choices?
Section 2 of the Canadian Criminal Code defines “mental disorder” as a disease of the mind. According to Canadian law, the less mentally ill (aka mentally disordered) you are when committing an offence, the more morally culpable you are for your behaviour. Review Boards are expert tribunals that make and review dispositions concerning any accused that has been found not criminally responsible (NCR) or unfit to stand trial (UST). The Review Board would likely mandate that I go on Clozapine, a potent antipsychotic drug with bad side effects.
As I said in a previous blog post:
To be forced to take this drug would be the opposite of the kind of thing that would help me feel more mentally well and happy—which means being understood and supported for who I truly am
Regarding being found NCR, according to this website:
“In order to be found guilty of an offence, an accused person has to have the capacity to appreciate and understand that their behaviour was wrong. Section 16 of the Criminal Code states:
No person is criminally responsible for an act committed or an omission made while suffering from a mental disorder that rendered the person incapable of appreciating the nature and quality of the act or omission or of knowing that it was wrong.”
So, powerful emotions, like being upset, can cloud your capacity to distinguish between right and wrong, leading you to commit an offence. Bob murdered his wife because he was jealous. Bob didn’t appreciate how wrong it was because he was upset, but Bob will be found criminally responsible and face the criminal justice system because being ‘upset’ like that and how it clouds your insight doesn’t qualify for a mental disorder according to the law.
But it did in my case because I have an inner relationship with Sri Chinmoy. I became upset and turned my upset thoughts towards Sri Chinmoy, making me destructive and reckless. I was, therefore, found not criminally responsible (NCR) because my inner relationship with Sri Chinmoy was considered schizophrenia by Dr. Potlick, which he mainly determined by looking into my health record.
From the current (January 2019) Wikipedia article on anger:
While most of those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of ‘what has happened to them,’ psychologists point out that an angry person can very well be mistaken because anger causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability.
Anger, in its strong form, impairs one’s ability to process information and to exert cognitive control over their behavior. An angry person may lose his/her objectivity, empathy, prudence or thoughtfulness and may cause harm to themselves or others.
Yes, I lost some self-monitoring capacity and empathy due to my anger during the incident on October 8, 2017, but does that mean I, with no criminal record or history of violence, should be on Clozapine for the rest of my life?
Is the thunder-drum-sound
Cherished by the hostile forces.
~ Sri Chinmoy [Source: Enthusiasm, part 7]
God-disobedience was Sri Chinmoy’s word for sin. (He also used the term ‘imperfection.’)
God-disobedience means the good within you is telling you something, but you’re not listening. You’re listening to the bad instead.
When we behave badly, we open the door for hostile forces to enter, like demons that sometimes lie dormant within us and fight with deception and evil when we try to get rid of them.
There is a possibility that Sri Chinmoy will save me from this possible discouraging Criminal Code Review Board outcome the way he did with his Spiritual Intervention in March 2012 from all the hostile forces I had caused to build up within me from my disobedient behaviour.
If he does, hopefully that would help show that the psychiatrists are the ones who are delusional, particularly Dr. Nelson, who Sri Chinmoy inwardly advised me “believes she knows what she doesn’t know.”
As you may imagine, based on how sensitive my nature is, dealing with somebody like that who literally believes she knows what she doesn’t know (a delusion), in this case about me—it’s written all over her face!—and whom other people regarded as the authority on who I am or who I should be talking to, was very stressful for me. It caused me to question myself, which fueled mental health issues! This is what is known as internal stigma.
(Sri Chinmoy also inwardly advised me one day that psychiatrists are the cause of stigma.)
She tormented me with naysaying, repeatedly dismissing the things I would say. She really believed she knew what she was talking about but her face looked like her mind was poisoned. Thus, her name. Her mental health ‘help’ was the equivalent of receiving a psychological full nelson.
I stopped meeting with her in early 2018, hoping that the fourth and final letter I received from her and Myth Nimson, the occupational therapist, would be good enough to help me help my daughter. I despised meeting with them because it was psychological torture. It was extremely offensive! So why continue? I wasn’t even going to them for help. I was going to them simply to get a letter.
Unfortunately, a form of that psychological torture continues with Dr. Potlick’s accusations. His NCR Report of November 15, 2018, says of my not wanting to meet with Dr. Nelson any further:
According to my experience with Dr. Nelson, my behaviour when responding to a scolding from Sri Chinmoy with anger and retaliation was not misbehaviour (brought on by growing up with years of emotional abuse) and therefore could only be addressed with antipsychotic medication. If she were to listen to me and understand, it would have been very good for my mental health. But there was no therapy whatsoever from Dr. Nelson, even though I had been asking her and Myth to connect me to a therapist since I first began meeting with them.
I could’ve used therapy, particularly the kind where you feel well understood. It would be extremely cathartic for me, in the same way that writing my memoir has been cathartic.
It’s why I liked talking to Tammy so much. Why I like talking to my other friends. Why I like writing my book and the thought of others reading it.
Dr. Stephen Sinatra in his book Health Revelations from Heaven (also written by Tommy Rosa) stated the following:
“I knew from my 40 years of practicing medicine that the need for connection lies at the very heart of human existence. Our ability to connect with ourselves and others is central to what makes us ill and what makes us healthy, what brings us sadness and what brings us joy, what makes us hurt and what helps us heal.
I’ve known, too that there is the connection between the healer and the patient. I feel that more than half of the healing takes place before a patient even leaves the room or takes the prescribed medicine. It is human connection—the opportunity for someone to tell their story, be listened to, and feel “seen” by another—that begins the healing process.
The most vital part of healing is that the healer fully comprehend the suffering and feelings that the patient reveals. When the patient ‘gets’ that he or she is understood, a deeper, more profound connection is established, which in turn facilitates the healing process.”
Why can’t Dr. Nelson understand that? Why can’t Dr. Potlick understand that?
Where was the ‘connection’ I had with Dr. Nelson and Myth Nimson? When did I ‘get’ that I was understood by Dr. Nelson? Did she fully comprehend my suffering and feelings that I attempted to reveal? Was she even a healer?
The following are some emails between me and Myth Nimson (I was not able to email Dr. Nelson directly):
NOTE: The name I use for myself in my multi-volume memoir is Jacob.
Date: Wed, Aug 26, 2015
I noticed every second thing Dr. Nelson had to say to me was some kind of lecture on how i’m not doing something right or not going to do something right. Is there any way she could be more positive? Or perhaps i could get a different psychiatrist.
P.S. When you deal with reality, you deal with reality. What am i talking about? When i have no problems, why talk to me again and again like i have problems?
Myth didn’t respond to that. But after I told them in a letter that I don’t want to meet with them anymore, I received the following email from him:
From: Myth Nimson
Date: Thu, Oct 1, 2015
Despite our differing opinions, I feel that we, Dr. Nelson and I, have attempted to work with you to help you achieve your goals and could continue to do so. We would like to meet with you to discuss, face to face, how you would like to move follow.
Yet, the ONLY goal I had with respect to meeting with them was to get a good letter for the Family Court so that I could pursue a legal process to help my daughter with the emotional neglect (and parental alienation against me) she had been going through. And they were standing in the way of that!
Date: Nov 20, 2015
Myth and Dr. Nelson,
I just want to let you know, that if you want to go on and continue doing what we have been doing, i.e. meeting with me as though there is some kind of thing wrong with me and you people can help me with that, i can’t guarantee that i won’t completely lose my temper.
I just want to let you know that there is a possibility that i have a limit as to what i can put up with from you people.
There is a slim possibility that i could literally hit somebody if Dr. Nelson once again says something about how i ought to look after my daughter better. I highly recommend that she never goes there again.
I can’t keep it to myself; i just have to let you know that this is a possibility. You people have been treating me for 2 years for a problem which i do not have and you people are driving me crazy.
I was having mental breakdowns because of them.
And yet apparently, according to Dr. Potlick, this can simply be dismissed as impaired judgment.
It’s a specious argument. Exactly the kind of argument I inflicted upon Sri Chinmoy when I criticized and smeared him.