“Yes, I heal different kinds of sickness”, [Mother Meera] says.
[From: The Road Within: True Stories of Transformation and the Soul, a conversation with Mark Seal (Meera Gazing)]
I have learned throughout the years that to seriously improve my mental health (and thus my success in life), I need to have more faith in myself.
I have also learned that my mental health (and success in life) has been adversely affected by my insufficient faith in my Master, Sri Chinmoy.
It is disturbing the almost complete lack of help I’ve gotten from the mental health professional community with these two issues of mine. (Only from a licensed therapist whom I was speaking to for a couple months did I receive this; NEVER from a psychiatrist.)
According to the psychiatrists I’ve dealt with — I’ve dealt with over 20, both here in Nova Scotia, Canada and in Toronto — only a drug from a pharmaceutical company would be the answer. Although Sri Chinmoy had said [in this question and answer] that the easiest way to overcome imperfection in ourselves “is through full, absolute faith in the Master.”
[You would have to read my story, beginning with The Struggle Within: The Wind’s Divine Melody (Vol. 1), to understand why I would ever speak to psychiatrists in the first place. Hint: it involved a naive (and pathetic) attempt to make Sri Chinmoy look bad.]
For one thing, had I maintained full, absolute faith in Sri Chinmoy (and myself), I wouldn’t have found fault with Him when going through difficult experiences, particularly after being disciplined by Him, and I, thus, wouldn’t have behaved badly due to vengefulness. Instead, I would have much easier had said, “It is for my own good.”
It is very difficult to say “it is for my own good” when you don’t have enough faith that that is the case. And there were times I did not WANT to do that.
It is because of this insufficient faith that I have at times found fault with my Master and behaved destructively. And it is because of this destructive behaviour repeated in October 2017 (coupled with my belief that I have an inner relationship with my Master) that has resulted in a Not Criminally Responsible decision against me by a Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrist I’ll call Dr. Potlick.
I will be disputing Dr. Potlick’s NCR decision in the Nova Scotia Supreme Court in Halifax at the end of June 2019. Although I have no history of violence nor a criminal record, I am being threatened with the possibility of being forced to go on a potent antipsychotic drug. If I refuse, I’ll be forced to stay at the East Coast Forensic Hospital in Dartmouth. What an insult!
I have been going through a Dark Night of the Soul, with an inability to meditate properly since 1997, for several years now. This is one reason I’ve often found fault with Sri Chinmoy, my meditation teacher, during difficult experiences/emotional pain. Severe spiritual dryness during my every waking moment began in the latter half of 2012. Another reason is because of the mire I’ve been in involving a lot of false accusations and mistreatment. There have been times I had blamed it on Him. I learned to do this because of what I grew up with.
Spiritual Progress During Spiritual Dryness
It has only become apparent to me in recent years that I have been making spiritual progress without the help of deep meditation such as through spiritual improvements performed on me like the one described below.
I wrote the following by text message to my friend on January 6, 2019:
That experience took place within one second.
Despite these kinds of spiritual improvements performed on me over the years prior to the above experience, I had still found fault with Sri Chinmoy because I got very discouraged sometimes, then my mind sometimes drifted into blame towards Him.
Sometimes I was emotionally hurt because of false accusations from people like my mother or father or from psychiatrists like Dr. Nelson — the Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrist who naysayed me during almost every session. Then, because I felt hurt, I discovered ways to find fault with Sri Chinmoy as a way to punish Him because I wrongly perceived that He is an easy target or that it was His fault. This is not unlike the turmoil I was raised with. It is hardly a problem with me anymore, but unfortunately, it has lingered a bit as a habit, thus my destructive behaviour in October 2017 mentioned above.
Another Sri Chinmoy Miracle: My Gastro Reflux Disease is Cured
Since I don’t feel major results, maybe this improvement really didn’t do anything?
If that is the case, then how would you explain the following:
In the same way that I’ve noticed Sri Chinmoy performing spiritual fixes/improvements on me (like the one mentioned above), give me guidance thoughts, “touch” me (with divine touches), and administer disciplinary “blows”, all of which I have been accused of by psychiatrists, particularly Dr. Nelson, as being delusional beliefs of mine, over ten days ago I experienced Sri Chinmoy cure my gastro reflux disease with a similar kind of “spiritual fix” as the one mentioned above, which also took place within one second.
Like a helpless injured animal who just innately knew that a certain human could help him, I consulted my family doctor over a year ago because incessant burping — along with sometimes acid reflux in my esophagus — was driving me crazy. It took a few months (probaby more like years) of suffering from this gastro reflux disease before it dawned on me that I could go to my doctor and that maybe she could help me. I didn’t even know what gastro reflux disease was at that time.
I was being tortured by the repetitive and endless burping and the acid reflux and I needed her to help. I specifically said to her regarding the incessant burping: “It is driving me crazy.” She even repeated that back to me as she was trying to digest (no pun intended) what I was trying to inform her.
My family doctor, whom I love, then became my saviour (once again) by prescribing me Rabeprazole, a medication used to treat gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), which helped majorly.
Some days I would forget to take the Rabeprazole (or forget to bring them with me when I went away) and made a mental note, after two days of missing one, that it is an EMERGENCY that I do not forget these pills because this gastro reflux disease of mine is so bad.
My father also has this disease and he takes the same medication. (There were times I’ve had to “borrow” pills from him.)
After two days of missing a pill, I’d be suffering severely from incessant burping and/or acid reflux.
But I had forgotten to bring the bulk of my Rabeprazole pills before we left for our trip to Florida from Canada in early January. So, I’m not going to be able to take one every day in order for them to last me. I only have about 20 or 30 to last me, and we’re going to be here for four months.
The last time I had taken a Rabeprazole pill was on January 13, 2019.
On January 15, 2019 (over ten days ago), I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep after a big meal and being tortured by this incessant burping and acid reflux again instead of being able to sleep peacefully. It wouldn’t have made a difference had a taken a stomach pill right there after a big meal. You need to take them in the morning before you eat anything.
After feeling tortured by this very uncomfortable feeling in my esophagus and disturbing burping for about 10 or 20 minutes, Sri Chinmoy’s Inner Spirit then gave this unpleasant feeling inside me a nice, soothing, gentle healing-embrace. And then it was fixed! The unpleasant feeling was no more! And I fell asleep.
This despite the bad attitude my mind often drifts into these days, and as it had been somewhat during this split-second “fix”, with all the hell I’ve been going through. I really need to be more grateful.
But Sri Chinmoy did not say, “Nope, nope, nope, can’t do that, you’re not in the right consciousness.” He didn’t say: “Be happier!”
This was 10 days ago, at the time of this writing. I did not know at the time whether Sri Chinmoy repaired my entire gastro reflux disease or just that one episode of incessant burping and acid reflux. But I have not had a stomach pill since and yet I’m still having no problems, which is a miracle!
This miracle was completely unexpected. I did not once pray (or expect) for my gastro refulx disease to be cured.
From my personal experience, this is just an infinitesimal tinnier than the tinniest sliver of what Sri Chinmoy is capable of.
The following are some text messages to my friends I’d sent them four or five days after this gastro-reflux-fix:
[‘Jacob’ is the name I use for myself throughout my book.]
I had two pizzas last night. (One for a late lunch, one for a late supper.) No stomach pill this morning. Lots of coffee this morning. Still no problems with gastro reflux disease!I’m really getting inspired here, Pushpa
Wow good. Take care
It’s just unthinkable. Unthinkable. Ordinarily, I’d be tortured by burps right now.
This Miracle Won’t Be Enough to Reverse My Schizophrenia Diagnosis
But who would believe that Sri Chinmoy cured this disease of mine? Certainly not Dr. Nelson, the Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrist I had been meeting with since 2013 solely to get a letter for the Family Court so that I could help my daughter through a legal process with the emotional neglect she’d been going through, the one who had accused me of being so delusional that my entire multi-volume book is delusional, my attempt to help my daughter through a legal process is a delusion, my faith that I have an inner relationship with my Master is a delusional belief, and that I am so delusional I have no insight. Probably not even my family doctor. And definitely not my parents.
For some reason, Dr. Nelson and Myth Nimson, the occupational therapist who sat in on all our sessions, could not understand why saying stuff like the above to me (or just simply my having to deal with psychiatrists in the first place) would stress me out. I had snapped at them a few times due to being offended and after sessions would often drift into stress that would just build up because I would imagine in my head telling them off but never being able to get through to them. This kind of thinking had sometimes caused my mind to drift into some moments of directing my anger towards my Master.
This guy seems to know, however, why this would stress me:
No psychiatrist has ever said anything to me remotely similar. And yet I am the one who has no insight.
The psychiatrists caused me mental health problems by causing me to question myself.
No mental health professional could pick up on that.
Feeling inspired and while also resolving that most people won’t believe that Sri Chinmoy cured my gastro reflux disease, I said to my friend, Mandy, by text:
I’m doing pretty good. Guru cured my gastro reflux disease (I’d doubt you or anybody would believe that though) Love you. It’s a f@#%ing miracle, but I gotta learn to not expect people to believe me, instead of snapping at those that don’t.
I’m living a miracle right now, and only *I* know it. Anyway, God bless. Have a good day.
As I said, it has been 10 days thus far, at the time of this writing, since this gastro-reflux-fix and over 11 or 12 since I had a Rabeprazole pill, and I still no longer need these stomach pills. I am not having problems with incessant burping and acid reflux! I still drink a lot of coffee and have not made any life-style changes.
Am I so deluded that I am still having problems with incessant burping and acid reflux that I don’t even realize it? That would be the kind of false accusations I’ve gone through, due to my karma from smearing Sri Chinmoy years ago, by people like Dr. Nelson.
But here is a reason for me to have more faith in God, the Divine, Sri Chinmoy, and myself — my antidote, because no matter how much my mind tries to doubt it or question it — sorry mind, but this gastro reflux disease is gone!
And only I know how much of a miracle it is — how bad it was before compared to how it is now.
Is ‘What If I Fail?’ a Delusive Way to Think?
[This might be a good time to tell you that I have prostate cancer and I am due for radiation treatment this coming May. I have NO IDEA whether Sri Chinmoy will cure it, but I know from experience that He easily could.]
The fact that I believed many people will not believe or will judge me was the reason I seriously considered not going through with this blog. The fact that I know Sri Chinmoy will help me and that it will inspire people if I write about it is the reason I want to do it.
While questioning and scrutinizing once again the logic within my intentions of going through with this blog (on January 19, 2019), I stumbled upon a Facebook post by a fitness coach friend of mine. The post was about how she was afraid of failing before she had begun her fitness regimen, which were exactly the thoughts I was having at that moment about starting this blog.
I then left the following comment on her post:
The following private Facebook conversation with my fitness coach friend, who had done some fitness coaching for me in the past, began shortly after:
Hey Jacob. Just seen your comment. Whats up?
Hey friend. I was talking about my plans to start a blog. So, I found your post inspiring. The fitness part I can do. I just gotta get past the lethargy and unwillingness and to make it more of a priority
Ah. I feel you will find your footing in due time. I tried blogging a couple of times myself….i couldnt really get it going either.
I am doing monthly newsletters now (well, ive done one so far????) and it feels less stress than my origi so blogging.
As for the fitness part: join my next challenge group, set up the app to send you a reminder if you havent logged, lean in on the support and ask for support……????
Oh dear. Was I too much? ????
No no. Absolutely not. I am agreeing with you. I’m going to do what you said. This coaching thing really seems to be your thing. You make a great coach!
Awe. Thanks ???? that means a lot. I was struggling before the holidays and wondered if i really wanted to continue….but I do and I am. And ppl like you saying that, makes it worth it. ????
It was then that I vividly recalled Sri Chinmoy had inwardly advised me one evening around mid-December while I was lying in bed to fall asleep to give this person a compliment by commenting on one of her Facebook posts with her picture that she looks good.
I didn’t listen because the message didn’t seem very clear and I didn’t understand why I would do that.
I myself don’t even believe in these Sri Chinmoy messages (or how He is helping me) well enough sometimes, which is why I’ve become offended sometimes.
Why Don’t Mental Health Professionals Try to Help You to Believe In Yourself?
Insufficient faith in myself and who I am would be why the false accusations in this mire that I am in due to attempting to smear Sri Chinmoy have often been brutal for me. Insufficient faith would also be a main reason I have found fault with Sri Chinmoy — a bad attitude — accusing Him of not helping me properly.
Psychiatrists (I’ve dealt with over 20) don’t tend to try to help you to believe in yourself. And they certainly don’t help you to believe in the guidance of the Divine.
On January 14, 2017, I asked my friend, who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and who used to be a psychiatric nurse at a mental hospital:
Her response two days later:
As I said, they, particularly Dr. Nelson, caused me serious mental health problems by causing me to question myself. (And they stood in my way of my being able to help my daughter!)
Despite the human tendency to not believe/find fault, though, I do believe these blog articles will inspire you and maybe even increase your faith.
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Einstein: scientist-sage, brother of atom-universe]
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: The Garland of Nation-Souls]
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Sri Chinmoy answers, part 11]
If you have one God-Gift:
Faith in yourself.
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Song-flowers, part 8]
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Dipti Nivas]
It is strange that the psychiatrists can’t understand the delusive poison involved in my insufficient faith in myself and my Master and confuse the faith that I do have with delusion.
If I did believe beyond a shadow of any insecurity or doubt in my inner relationship with my Master so much so that I was very confident and never became offended or discouraged or angry, I’d be even more deluded? That’s a strange mental health philosophy.
I’m gradually learning, though, that this world is less about the need for people to believe in you and much more about the need for you to believe in yourself and to believe that GOD believes in you.